Tiara-Ra

i have a lot to write about..academic papers and all but i can’t. i just can’t. damn.

Moi with my cousins Zaira and April in Aklan. If only we were nearer then maybe…just maybe…

I just realized today how much I missed having a confidante. oh, I have a lot of friends I could call and unload…but I miss her. I just miss getting it all out…laying it all on the table and scrutinizing each juicy detail bit by bit.

everybody has somebody like that…at one point or another in their lives. but not everybody gets to have someone to really talk to always. stuff happens, change sets in, and more often than not, what you have become drives you apart.

all the blah about class being not a necessary distinction for friendship is trash. class may not work in this case in it’s traditional sense, but class exists my friend, albeit wearing a different persona. there is class according to economic production, there is class regarding to school, work, hobby, etc. and there is class according to our principles.

principles. stuff we believe in. stuff we fight for and feel strongly for. but this is also the kind of stuff that can tear old friendships apart, driving a wedge between what used to be a formidable bond.

I sort of learned that the hard way. I miss her. but I can’t forget what she did either. it’s a matter of principle, she’d surely say. and I, ever the stubborn girl that I am would say, those are yours to live with, not mine.

silence (im sure) will set in. reminding us both of what we’ve both become…of what we’ll never become.

It took a while but I believe I’ve exorcised myself. I know, I know. Exorcise is too extreme a word to use but it feels like that. Not that I’ve been exorcised before. lol. You know what I mean.

For 6 months and 4 years he was always in my mind. There were times when I was attracted to other people, yes, but he was always there, at the back of my mind or in my cellular phone’s inbox. Even when I had a steady boyfriend he was there, and at first chance of him and me getting together, i jumped and left the bf. I was bored. period.

it wasn’t until the past month that I realized we were really nothing alike. too much has changed and a larger portion of the attraction was because of all the hype we’ve been getting way back our younger years.

Another aspect that sort of heightened our interests was that we get to see each other rarely…there was an element of mystery I guess. We were both based here in Davao and yet we seemed so far from each other.

When I finally moved back to the city it only took me several dates to finally realize that he was not the guy I thought he was. What was in my befuddled brain had a different translation in real life. We can’t even talk on the same level. In short we had nothing to talk about! Grr.

Oh well. So much for wasting several years and months thinking we could hit it off. But boy am I so glad I’m sooo over him.

Okay…I’m not feeling well. I’ve been afflicted with a virus that is quite common in these parts of the world… fear of getting old! nah. just kidding. oh. not really. damn. I’m sick, yes, but that’s nothing unusual. I feel a bit groggy and sleepy probably because of the meds i’ve been taking lately. there’s this dread creeping up too, brought about by the thought that I will be 21 in a few more days. 21. 21. 21. 21 makes me an adult…legally. It’s what I’ve wanted all along. Then why the hell am I so paranoid about turning 21???

Is it because I’m 21 and still single? Could be. But it was a choice. Hala, lokohin mo lelang mo. haha. I’m 21…I have to get insured, apply for philhealth, get an sss account. I should be graduating this march. I have to earn, i have to work! Gawd, this is really freaking me out!